Whenever people find out that you’re a photographer, the first question they’ll probably ask you is going to be something along the lines of, “What camera do you use?” If it’s your first time being asked this question, you’ll probably tell them the actual name and model of your camera, and the majority will pretend to know what you’re talking about. You get asked enough times and you’ll realize it’s not worth answering or it’s more fun to tell them something like the Nikon Di1D0 and watch them nod their heads and tell you it’s an amazing machine (shout out to Lance). Inevitably, the conversation will lead to, “What camera should I buy?” or “What’s the best camera out there?” So I, being ever enthusiastic and eager to help lazy people, have decided to answer this question for anyone who wants to get into photography.
I have developed a complex, two-pronged answer to your enquiry and the first prong is to go fuck yourself, possibly with said prong. Yes. GO. FUCK. YOUR. SELF. Look in your kitchen to see if you have two bananas. If you do, great; you can skip this next step. If you don’t, go to the grocery store and don’t come back until you have two bananas. While you’re there, you might also want to pick up a stick of butter. Now that you have the two bananas and optional stick of butter, you’re going to want to eat both of the bananas because they are an excellent source of fiber and potassium. You can save the butter for later use. Then go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself if you think my camera somehow just turns itself on, thinks about how it wants to compose a photo, points itself at the subject, and presses its own buttons. Go fuck yourself if you have the notion that whatever expensive camera you buy is going to help you take better pictures, because it isn’t. Just like buying the best paintbrushes won’t magically make you a better painter, or buying the best shoes won’t make you run any faster. A camera is merely a tool and it is much more important to learn how to use one with time and practice than it is to have the best tool. I’ve seen people who have taken incredible photographs on their iPhone cameras (much thanks to Kevin, whose photo I used below) and I’ve seen people with above $1,000 cameras who still haven’t figured out shutter speed and every photograph they’ve ever taken is out of focus (looking at you, thing-under-mouth-tografy).
With all of that being said, if you’re not a tool whose only intention is to try to impress people with your camera, then I may have actual advice to you on the matter. Your gear does not matter, but I would still much rather have a Ferrari than a Ford Fusion, so fuck a beginner camera. It’s pointless and a waste of money and if I have any regrets, it’s buying a dumb fucking beginner camera because there is literally no difference in learning with a beginner camera and an “intermediate-pro”-level camera and you’ll soon realize that it won’t serve you for very long due to its limited capabilities. So first, figure out what type of content you want to create with your camera and do your research. What works for one person might not work for the next. Do you need a full frame with high ISO capabilities and fast autofocus for weddings? Do you need 4k recording capabilities? What is your budget? Then go buy your camera and learn how to fucking use it. Oh, and save some money for good lenses, because having a great camera with shitty lenses is like having a big penis and no hands. #badanalogy
Alright, so if you guys have been keeping up with these posts, you’ll remember how much I hate driving and for those of you who have never read any of my posts, I hate driving. Also fuck you, read my stuff. Anyway, recently, I saw a YouTube video about driving in the left lane, which you can watch here:
The video has some valid points because I hate getting stuck behind drivers that go below the speed limit as much as anyone. But I’m going to put on my devil’s advocate pants and present to you a counter-argument for a few of the statements the guy in the video makes.
- Every state has some law on record that restricts the use of the left lane. But there are also laws that say that you have to use your turn signal when changing lanes and half you pieces of shit out there don’t follow that law. There’s also laws that state you have to wear your seatbelt, which is there to save your dumbass life and yet, there are dumbfucks who refuse to buckle up. I guess I must have missed the memo that told us we were allowed to pick and choose which rules we follow and which we don’t.
- German Autobahn. Last time I checked, this was fucking ‘Murica. You remember what happened last time Germany had a great idea? Just kidding. But you can’t compare the two countries like that. For one, Germany is among the strictest countries in the world on gun control, whereas in the U.S., you hear about a mass shooting just about every other week. Going back to the point about laws, even in the video, the narrator states that the Autobahn doesn’t have a speed limit, and I think that’s what makes it work. In the U.S. there are speed limits and police officers who dedicate their time to ruining your day by pulling you over for going above these speed limits. Call me crazy, but I think that the laws regarding speed limit and using the left lane only for passing kind of contradict each other. The people who don’t drive fast in the fast lane are probably just afraid a cop will come out of nowhere and pull them over. I know because I am one of them. Gasp! I honestly have no idea how fast you’re allowed to go in the left lane to pass, and the speed limit signs don’t have an asterisk next to it explicitly telling you what’s acceptable. Furthermore, sometimes I’ll find myself in the left lane because of how parts of the highways in Houston merge. So I wait for an opportunity to safely switch back over to a non-left lane, but before I can, there’s always some dickhead tailgating me, even though I’m going 10 mph above the speed limit. Look here, bitch. I am not about to risk getting a speeding ticket just because you think driving fast is a penis enhancer. I know. I’ve tried. So go fuck yourself.
- General blaming of slower drivers for causing accidents. Yeah! Let’s blame the people who are going a reasonable speed for causing all the accidents! Darn them so hard! Or. OR. ORRRRRRR! We can place the fault on the fuckfaces that think they can weave in and out of traffic at 100 mph. So if you watch the video around 0:30, the only person who did anything wrong is the fucking asshole who decides to drive on the shoulder to try and pass the pickup truck, consequently causing an accident. Why? Why would you think that was a good idea? Your impatience could’ve killed somebody and you want to put this on the victim? Blaming the slower-moving drivers on the road for you causing an accident because you were trying to zigzag in between them all is like blaming McDonald’s for making you and your kids fat and ugly. You fucking oxygen thieves are probably the same assholes that blame women for getting raped because they were “asking for it” by being drunk or dressing a certain way. Literally paving the road for human diarrhea like Brock Turner.
In theory, the law would be great for regulating the flow of traffic. Pass up slow drivers, switch back over, repeat. Too bad there are just too many variables involved and from what I’ve seen, most people just think they own the road and that left lane is their personal little race strip where they can go as fast as they want. A little patience goes a long way and it could mean the difference between life and death, so be safe out there, drivers.
This week’s photos are from a shoot I did at the University of Houston. I hadn’t been there in years and everything was so different and unsettling!
Because of my small stature and because I possess whatever the male equivalent of bitchy resting face is (I guess it’s still bitchy resting face), I’ve been the target of bullying my entire life. Continue reading “Picture Unrelated #5: I Hate Bullies”